Is "big brother" watching me? I think I am under surveillance. I was checking on my blog you know going over my profile and such when I noticed it says there are 2 people monitoring this blog. Who is the other person and why are they monitoring my blog? This is making me nervous. Blog spies? I better be careful huh? Any ideas as to why it would say that?

Oh God it was really happening. He couldn't believe it. Oh man they were getting so close now. He was starting feel a cold sweat spread over him. How did he end up here? He thought back to last night. She caught him in a weak moment,just after they'd made love. He was in the drowsy after glow just waiting for sleep to pull the curtain all the way down when it had happened.
She asked ,he'd said yes. Now it was all coming true. Oh God why had he been such a wimp.

The doors were much closer now.. a few more steps..NNOOOOOO. To late they were inside now. No escape. The mall,the freakin mall.

She grabbed his arm and headed for the first store all the while oblivious to his mounting horror ,babbling incessantly. Oh ,wait a minute, O.K. she pulls him into Victorias Secret. Alright this isn't too bad. He could handle this. Lots of good looking women in here. Would he like to have seat while his lady shopped? Well yes he would thank you. Damn check out that red head,oh yeah hold that teddie up against you one more time until I get that picture firmly planted in my head. Nice.....What?What? Oh yes by all means by the matching bra and panties. Here Darlin let me pay for those.

God isn't there like a maximum capacity limit on how many people can be in a mall at the same time? She's pulling him along down the hallways of hell. Another store. Make-up? Hair Crap? No way! A whole store full of it? Why? How much can you need? Oh man I am in Hell. He stands there feeling like an idiot. Get me outta here he thinks to himself.

And so it goes all afternoon. From one store to the next. In and Out. He starts to get pissed. After all this is Sunday, there is a game on t.v. Oh t.v. how he misses his t.v. Not to mention his recliner,which goes with out saying. Sunday for crying out loud. You know the day of rest?Keep cool he thinks to himself. Be a man. Cowboy up. Shit.

It continues Dillons, Younkers, Payless, Abecrombies with the gay lookin dudes just standing there looking at the shoppers..HUH? Lady Foot Locker, Baby Gap they don't even have kids for christs sake. It's all starting to blur together now. When finally as he feels his mind starting to slip he hears it. Are you ready to go Babe? Oh I guess so, if you are....

I wanted to thank all of you who stopped by to wish me well when I was feeling down. I'll just think of this past week as a "hiccup" in my life. You have all been a blessing to me. Many Thanks,Pie

I was thinking about how many times I've heard someone say..When I was young we were poor,but I didn't know that we were....I never thought to much about it in my own life but I guess it's true for me too.
I think I didn't know it because almost everyone else lived the same way we did. All of our neighbors were farmers too. Only most of them owned their own land and my Dad farmed the land we lived on for another man. We never owned it.
We had one neighbor family that lived in a brick home so we knew they were rich. Everyone one else lived in a wood framed house that was usually in need of a fresh coat of paint.
My best friend lived a few miles from us but I never got to walk to her house and play and she never got to come to mine. Her family was Mennonite and her parents didn't mingle with the neighbors and didn't allow their kids too either.But we sat together on the bus to school everyday.
Another good friend lived down the road from us.She had 7 kids in her family just like I did.We played together all the time taking turns walking to each others homes. We played army guys in their timber and we played house in our old chicken coop. They had the best hay loft.It had a huge floor with piles and piles of loose straw. There was a rope that looped from one wall to the other We spent hours and hours swinging on it and jumping off into the piles of straw. It smelled so good in there. Not like ours because we raised hogs in ours,it reeked.But theirs smelled fresh and clean. I can still picture that hay loft and how it looked in the afternoon with the big doors open and dust motes filling the sunshine coming in. Barb and I would lay in the sunshine coming in and watch them dance in the air sharing little girl secrets.

The rich family that were our nearest neighbors had 4 girls and a boy.The girls were all older than me and did not want to play with a kid like me. But my brothers and one of my sisters and I played with their boy alot. He was a nice kid and was mildly retarded.His family always acted as if they were ashamed of him. Except for his Dad.He was a nice man.His sisters were mean to him. And teased him alot.But we played with him when his Mom would let him come over.We were never invited to play there.
One time we were playing with him in the saddle hold of our horse trailer,playing that there were wild animals outside and we were trapped by them in a cave. I was about 6 or 7 then and I was sitting at the door of the hold when my sister screamed that there was a tiger outside.I saw a flash of yellow and slammed the door shut. Now I know it was our cat but at that time it was a tiger I just knew it!
So now there we are 5 of us kids stuck in the saddle hold with no way out. We were sure we were going to suffocate, die of thirst,starve or all three. This was in the hot summer month of August so I guess it we could have gotten heat stroke. We yelled and yelled for rescue. Mom later told us she sent our oldest sister out to check on us and she returned telling Mom "Oh their fine.I can them yelling and having fun". She would have been 18 or so at the time and couldn't be to bothered by us younger kids.
We were stuck in that damn saddle hold for a good long time until Mom got worried about not seeing us in the yard and came looking for us. When she finally found us and let us out we were all a bunch of sweaty scared kids.Sure that our little brother was dead because he'd fallen asleep. My brothers and sister have never let me forget that I was the one that trapped us in there. Mom let us have a soda in the middle of the afternoon after she'd saved us. So it wasn't all bad.

I believe in the sun,even when it is not shining.

I believe in love ,even when I can not feel it.

I believe in God,even when He is silent.

Written by an anonymous Jewish prisoner during the holocaust.

I can only imagine the faith that this person must have had to still BELIEVE in the midst of all that suffering. I would hope my love and faith in the Lord would remain with me in such a situation. It would be so easy to blame God. Yet this courageous soul didn't. Would I be as strong? I wonder.

I've not had a great week. Seen better you know? I don't know if any of you out there suffer from depression or know someone that does but it can be a beast you have to slay. I usually don't have to much trouble with it,I take my pills, they work, life goes on. But once in a while it will knock me down and let me know that it's still around. Then it is a struggle to stay on top of it. This week it stopped in to say hello again.
I don't want to get out of bed then, I cry over anything or nothing. The feelings of worthlessness kick in. Self loathing thoughts start in. I start to feel as if I am taking up space and air that I am not deserving of. I don't want to talk or think or move. I sleep an excessive amount always with the mind numbing t.v. on. It's easier not to think when the t.v. is on. Depression can be a bitch to overcome.
It really can. But I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Because I don't get these episodes very often AND (and this is a big one) I recognize it when it is coming on so I can get to the doctor before it gets as bad it can get. I usually just need to have my medicine adjusted and in a week or so I'm climbing back up again.
I worried about writing about this. I thought to myself "Hey so far these people don't think your a nut case yet,why take the chance they will?" But then I thought, this is a part of me. Not one of my best parts but all the same it is. So here I am just Pie, Trying to pull myself up by my boot straps one more time. And starting to see the sun behind the clouds.